Succumb.

Today is a day where I just want to type out everything that is inside my mind. What's bothering me, all my tangled thoughts; I want to get them all settled today, and I guess this is the only way I can think of to release all these bottled up and confusing thoughts. My words are beginning to disintegrate greatly, and I'm not making sense sometimes, but that is how my mind is right now. I am not functioning properly.

Final exams are around the corner, and I am here, typing in this blog, listening to songs that I'm not even sure whether they are motivating me or demotivating me. My roommate is out, preparing for her program tonight, and yes, I am alone with my thoughts. Accompanying by these very walls again. These walls, they had accompanied me from young, and even when I'm a young adult now, I still have these very walls to accompany my every thoughts. All the bad thoughts, the excruciating pain of my heart, they know and had accompanied me through various episodes in life.

Why am I like this today? No. The question would be, why am I like this this year?

I had sought help this year, for I know that I can no longer do this alone anymore. I needed help, and I wanted help. I had given myself the opportunity to sought help. I got that help, but what am I doing now? Why am I still like this? Maybe there is something wrong in me somewhere.

November is ending, and December is coming, but why am I not improving? Why am I still in pain?

So let it hurt, let it bleed, let it take you right down to your knees. Let it burn to the worst degree, may not be what you want but it's what you need. Sometimes the only way around it is to let love do it's work, and let it hurt. Let it hurt.

I let it hurt this year. I am no longer denying that I am in pain. I am in pain. I am not okay. I had never been okay. I am haunted by the memories that destroyed my very being. I am afraid. I am scared. I am not understanding many things at the moment. At the moment, my mind feels blank, my shoulders feel heavy, my heart is beating out of proportion and is beating in pain. I am feeling intense pain right now. So I'm just typing this here and now, cause I don't know what else to do.

I am not the person I was before. Why do I question my capability being in this psychology world? Isn't this the dream that I wanted? True. I wanted to pursue in English, but I got counseling and psychology instead. I am slower than my peers. So, what am I really doing right now? I am succumbing to my emotions. I am feeling sad. I am loathing myself at the very moment. I cannot think rationally. And I am alone.

Yes. I am alone. Will I ever heal?

Right now, I don't want to believe in hope.