Final exams and..

My first paper for final exam started today, which also means... This would be my first final exam for my first semester in UKM. Wait. Let me rephrase that : Today was my first paper, my first final exam for degree! I anticipated this day, but alas, today I was greeted by not many good news. I did not expect today to turn out the way it was, but then this was what was written for me, so...

You see, I am not a fan of exams. I don't think the vast majority of students never enjoyed exams, but I dislike exams for some other reasons. (Though I think it still is a mutual understanding amongst students anyway, so whatever.) However, I always anticipate and feel excited when it comes to the first in many things, and my first paper for my first final exam for my first degree was something that scares yet excites me. The anxiety of it was mixed together with a high volume of excitement and anticipation. First experience are always unusual, and that feeling is something that I want to feel. New and different.

But alas, today I was met with a news that broke me down.

Firstly, an hour before my exam started, I received a message stating the death of a previous junior of mine back during diploma. Her death somehow pulled me down tremendously and even now, as I'm typing this, I still find it hard to digest. In a way, I was truly and honestly surprised, shocked by the news as I was planning to visit her soon, once I had the time. And soon did not came, for she went so soon and so sudden.

Now, I'm not blaming her death for my misconduct on my own behalf. Wait, why the hell did I use 'misconduct'? But anyway, I guess today just didn't turn out like how I wanted it to, and I am simply torn up and I am feeling more exhausted than any other day.

I guess time is all I need right now, I guess.

So time is what I shall get, I guess.

For I am always guessing.

Writer's block.

I used to be able to write so many things, but now it seems that I'm suffering what we call a writer's block. It saddens me at times, not because I was that good at writing, but because I can no longer write to my heart's content and that's something that I had feared the most. For all my life, writing has been the only form of release that I have, and to suffer this writer's block is scary as hell.

Yes, I know I can type out stuff like this, but even typing this out feels hard and wrong in a way. There is a reason why I always have a pen with me, and that is because of one event that happened in the past. I had such deep passion of reading and writing, that I wanted to pursue in journalism before, but that didn't happen, and lo and behold, I am a psychology student now. For who knows why, only God knows, then.

If there's anything anyone must know about me, then there's this : I always have a pen with me, and that pen will always be by my side. There's comfort in doing that, and I had had that habit ever since I started writing a journal, which was like, I don't know... A decade ago or more? So, yeah, that is a habit that I inhabited since I was young. And now, as of right now, at this very second, I am completely dumbfounded by my inability to write any decent writings.

This December, I started my 30 letters writing challenge, which I thought of doing last month. But I only began to do it this month as I thought it would be a good way to end 2016. The only problem would be this situation. This writer's block agenda. Despite having a guideline, I still find it hard to write lately. With final exam's around the corner, it feels somewhat impossible to be able to write a decent piece of writing.

I guess I need to really focus on reading and writing again to be able to get rid of this writer's block. If not, then I'll be so damn stressed out because of it. Not being able to write or to lose ideas is something that pisses me off greatly. And there you go, ladies and gents.... I am done typing.

Adieu.

Delay.

Despite saying that I will be doing my writing challenges again for November, I didn't. Time constraint, my dears. Time constraint.

Ah. I have so many projects on hiatus at the moment, and since final exams are just around the corner, peeking and jeering at me, telling me to study, I don't think I still have that much of a time to really do any writing projects and put it up here. BUT, and I really mean but, I did find some time intervals to write (which literally means pens on papers in a way. The literal way.) a few writing challenges.

So, that is it for my update!

PS : My identity is still mysterious, no? Well, not so, to be honest.

Adieu.

Succumb.

Today is a day where I just want to type out everything that is inside my mind. What's bothering me, all my tangled thoughts; I want to get them all settled today, and I guess this is the only way I can think of to release all these bottled up and confusing thoughts. My words are beginning to disintegrate greatly, and I'm not making sense sometimes, but that is how my mind is right now. I am not functioning properly.

Final exams are around the corner, and I am here, typing in this blog, listening to songs that I'm not even sure whether they are motivating me or demotivating me. My roommate is out, preparing for her program tonight, and yes, I am alone with my thoughts. Accompanying by these very walls again. These walls, they had accompanied me from young, and even when I'm a young adult now, I still have these very walls to accompany my every thoughts. All the bad thoughts, the excruciating pain of my heart, they know and had accompanied me through various episodes in life.

Why am I like this today? No. The question would be, why am I like this this year?

I had sought help this year, for I know that I can no longer do this alone anymore. I needed help, and I wanted help. I had given myself the opportunity to sought help. I got that help, but what am I doing now? Why am I still like this? Maybe there is something wrong in me somewhere.

November is ending, and December is coming, but why am I not improving? Why am I still in pain?

So let it hurt, let it bleed, let it take you right down to your knees. Let it burn to the worst degree, may not be what you want but it's what you need. Sometimes the only way around it is to let love do it's work, and let it hurt. Let it hurt.

I let it hurt this year. I am no longer denying that I am in pain. I am in pain. I am not okay. I had never been okay. I am haunted by the memories that destroyed my very being. I am afraid. I am scared. I am not understanding many things at the moment. At the moment, my mind feels blank, my shoulders feel heavy, my heart is beating out of proportion and is beating in pain. I am feeling intense pain right now. So I'm just typing this here and now, cause I don't know what else to do.

I am not the person I was before. Why do I question my capability being in this psychology world? Isn't this the dream that I wanted? True. I wanted to pursue in English, but I got counseling and psychology instead. I am slower than my peers. So, what am I really doing right now? I am succumbing to my emotions. I am feeling sad. I am loathing myself at the very moment. I cannot think rationally. And I am alone.

Yes. I am alone. Will I ever heal?

Right now, I don't want to believe in hope.

Focused agenda.

Since I'm planning to stay active in the world of blogging and writing again (also be active in my book club again), I think I need to refocus on what should be focused for this blog. I did say that I wanted to be able to write and type freely about (almost) everything in here - like a journal to keep track of my own mental well-being and the occurrences in my life - but I also need to put something beneficial in here despite not knowing whether there would be anyone reading it anyway.

BUT just in case anyone comes across and stumble upon this blog, then I want to be beneficial towards that individual.

I used to do that a few years ago, but I lost my momentum. (I have a high tendency to lose it again, but I will try harder this time!) I used to write about many things before, and yes, I still keep bits and pieces of them. You see, I just want to regain the composure that I once had in me, and for almost a decade, written words helped me a lot. There is a satisfaction that I get whenever I am able to finish a post, an article, a story and anything of the sorts. So, hopefully, I can be okay again once I'm able to get my momentum back.

Anyway, what am I focusing on again?

I hope I'm able to write reviews, summaries, and writing challenges again in my blog. I'll probably re-post (edited versions of) my old book reviews, with hope that I still remember the story-line and the pros and cons of the book -- which I usually remember anyway. I want to share the passion I have of books and the world of writing and blogging to the world again. Books had been my companion for many, many years and despite having a bit of a problem reading these few weeks, I still enjoy my books and the calmness and tranquility it gives me.

And I also need to brush up on my writing skills again, since I'm not making sense whenever I'm writing or typing. I have the big picture, but to interpret it into words is a bit difficult at times. Hopefully by having this goal, I can regain my composure, get back my lost momentum, and be okay again with my life. (I sound sappy, don't I?)

I'll begin with 30 days letter challenge this November, hopefully!

Good luck, me!

Write.

I still find it amazing that I am still committed in writing a journal for my thoughts and also my commitment in managing a blog, despite having created quite a few for the past decade. Yes, it is almost a decade since I entered this blog world.

There is something intriguing about writing, especially when I know my writing skills is terrible. This is a terrible writing example, ladies and gentlemen. But then, I always have this selfish desire whenever I write or type : I always do it for myself. For my own enjoyment. For my own stress-release. A way to express myself when other ways fail me. It makes me feel alive and present. To write is like air. I need it to breathe.

Back when I was in high school, my school counselors always advised me to never stop writing, and like the 'good' student I was, I listened and took their advice. I still have a journal, a personal blog and now, I have this blog. I keep track on my emotions, my mental well-being, my anxieties, my sorrows, my joys, my memories, the past, my future plans, and so on. It helps me see life as something worth living. (Yes, I do sound sappy, no? It's only because I am melancholic. I tend to view the world in a more negative perspective. Not that all melancholics are like that, but also maybe because that is just only me.)

I find it insulting when people once used my writings as a way to bring me down a few years ago, but it still did not stop me from writing. It did stop me from writing for a couple of years, but I picked up the habit again. It's not because I love writing, but it's because writing has this aura, this spirit in it that makes one capable of achieving a point of self-assurance of life. It made me able to view life in a wider horizon, a widen gaze. Though yes, I do agree that I am a very pessimistic person, but by writing and keeping a journal -- a thought journal -- I am able to give myself enough strength to keep on moving and to keep on striving for tomorrow.

Yes. I am a writer.

I write for myself. For my own benefits. I am in that sense very selfish.

I still want to...

Struggles is a part of our lives.

No one lives without struggling, and I guess that's why we strive.

For me, to stay motivated is a struggle. To stay motivated and to continue living is a struggle that I face daily. Yes, I am that person people always call a pessimist and lack of faith. But then I know myself than others know me, and I know that I'm not that pessimistic and I know I still have faith in me. It's just that, what others see as easy and simple, I find it hard and difficult. I'm not saying this in an asking for sympathy tone, but it is true.

I hold unto the words of my school counselor :

"What you find easy may be difficult for others, and what you find difficult may be easy for others. So live life with compassion and ease others. Surely your struggles will also be eased."

Week 6 of my university life, and I've been struggling every day with motivation. A huge part of me wants to stop, cry and just quit, but there is also still a part of me that still wants to continue and strive harder. A huge part of me is excited that I am a psychology student after years struggling, but there is also a part of me that criticizes myself that I am unfit to be in this field. A huge part of me just wants to run away from here, disappear and not come back, but there is also still a part of me that wants to stay and try to go on. I am in a battle with myself. A constant battle.

So, what is keeping me here?

Because there is still a part of me that wants to continue. It may be small, but I want to still hold it tight. I want to live until my dream comes true. But what is my dream? I've been pondering about it for quite some time now. I used to dream to become a psychologist, but now I need a reason why.

This little part of me that still wants to continue is what I choose to hold, instead the huge part of me giving up. This tiny self-survival instinct is what's keeping me strong and still moving. Though it feels painful and feigned, I am still walking. I want to continue walking. Crawling if I have to, as long as I am still moving. I don't want to stop just yet, to be honest. I do, but I don't want that option. I want to move forward. I really want to move forward.

People might find it weird if I ever say that I want to quit. People will always find that I am joking whenever I say stuff like that, and I don't blame them. We all have our own persona that we show others, and I have mine. I find it nice that people don't believe that I want to quit, for it gives me the impression that people trust me enough to know that I am capable of surviving this storm, this tsunami, this earthquake, this constant battle. And so, I have another reason to keep on living.

We all have struggles. I believe that.

I might find other people's struggles as petty, and so might others when they know of mine.

But I still want to believe that I can do it. I still want to believe that I am capable. I still want to believe that I am for the Ummah. I still want to believe that I can achieve the self-actualization that everyone desires. I still want to believe that I can become a psychologist.

I still want to believe in life.

I still want to believe in the sun.

I still want to believe...

Even when my heart and mind refuses...

I just still want to believe...

A month (and more)

It has been a month or so of university life, and yes, it is very tiring. But what is life without a little fatigue?

I had been meaning to write for awhile now, but I haven't got the chance or time for it. I have a few moments to spare today, despite all the hubbubs and everything, so I thought why not write about it? To write is cliche for me, for I've been doing this for almost 9 years now, but I never commit to only having one blog. So yeah, hello, I'm not good with commitments.

So, how was university life?

To be honest, like I said, it really is tiring. Exhausting, both physically and mentally. But I'm not really complaining much about university life, because I know this is university life. Get what I mean? I don't expect university life to be idle anyway; I always expected it to be packed and busy, and I find it okay to be busy -- as long as I can keep up and not burnout.

A month in university made me rethink of my past choices and decisions. I could've taken English for a diploma or foundation, but I took counseling instead. And now, instead of applying for English Language Studies like I wanted, I took psychology instead. I do realize that I am throwing away my deep passion of English for psychology, but for a good cause. There are still times where I regret this choice, but my excitement and love towards psychology grows more each day and it diminishes my regret. (Well, sort of.)

But I am loving my university life at the moment, mainly because I am able to communicate using English freely and not be pestered for it like how it was during my diploma. Yes, I am a language enthusiast. I enjoy being able to commute via English rather than Malay. (People even call me 'penjajah bahasa' because of my bias of English!) But then, having grown up in a very English-spoken community, I find Malay to be difficult at times. I express myself better in English, thus the English blogs that I kept and maintained all these years.

I'm also not saying that Malay isn't a good language, it's just that I have problems with it. I enjoy all languages. Music to my ears.

So.. Anyway! I'm not going to ramble about languages today -- maybe some other time.

(Writing is addicting. I could write for ages, and never stop -- unless I'm out of ideas that is!)

Yeah, a month or so in a new university.

A month or so being a psychology major!

Who ever knew... Who just ever knew...

A month in university, and my schedule is packed with programs and assignments! And I thought my previous college was busy. I thought wrong; I'm busier here than I was then! But I'm fine with it. I kinda like it. 

Speaking of which, I also did something unthinkable. Something that I need to do.

I have my goals when entering this new university. And I wish and intend to keep my own promise and strive to achieve that goal. All I need is just constant motivation. I must strive. I must survive. I must learn. I must.

(Please do not believe the optimism in the above writings.)

End of orientation.

I had always dreamed of becoming a psychology student, and I lived that dream on the 28th of August 2016. A date I will now engrave on the back of my head for eternity, for on this very date, my journey towards my dream begins. I had never knew what it felt like to have something go according to plan, for I had stumbled across so many failures and change of plans.

My registration day was the most exciting day ever! Anxious as I was, it was still the most exciting day ever! I had never stepped into UKM before, and since I came from a remote college, my faculty awed me in ways I thought I could never awed. Reminds me of the time I went to IIUM for a program. There was even a faculty tour, and my sister was the most excited one of them all. (Yes, my sister is annoying that way, but a sister is a sister!)

To talk about the flow of my first day would take up one blogpost, so I'll just make it short; Summarize the whole week of orientation. I reside in Kolej Rahim Kajai. Funny how I am more attracted to this college residence than my previous college. I'm not saying that my previous college isn't fun, for it was fun, but there's something different from what I had experienced in the past week.

Speaking of experience, this week was by far the best orientation week I had ever attended. I wish I can repeat it, but I know I can't, so I won't ask for more. But instead, I now have this dream of being a part of the orientation committee. Reminds me of the times I became a part of my faculty's SRC. Ah, how time flies.

I find UKM's orientation week quite unique in a way. One, because I experienced this surge of courage to come forward and volunteer myself despite the anxiety. Two, because maybe I'm just still excited.

There's never really the exact way to describe such feelings like now.

Let's just hope I won't fall and not get up again. I need to stay strong!

Road to psychology.

Hello for a new blog -- again.
But hello indeed, for I am making this one the last one. In which I will make this as an online journal to keep track of my mental well-being and my books.

To do a proper introduction is never mandatory, for I know this blog will never be out and known by masses. Here's an honest part about me : I still keep my old blogs just in case I need reminders of my past mistakes. Some may tell me doing that is a bad thing for I will also be reminded of past pain and angst, but to face them is better than to disacknowledge them. To deny the past is denying strength to move on for the future ; or so I believe...

As of this month, I am finally heading in the road of psychology. It has been my dream to embark into this journey. Though I might admit that I did fail going into med school, and honestly speaking, there are times when I still regret that. But fear not, dear self, for you are now on a journey towards your dream of becoming a clinical psychologist.

It is true that I did not applied IIUM, despite it being my dream university. I got UKM instead, and yet I had never regretted it at all. And I know that not regretting is a good sign. Some dreams just need to be sacrificed.

I will prove to the people who threw me down and show them just how stronger I am now. I will not let their judgements and their abuse let me down anymore.