I still want to...

Struggles is a part of our lives.

No one lives without struggling, and I guess that's why we strive.

For me, to stay motivated is a struggle. To stay motivated and to continue living is a struggle that I face daily. Yes, I am that person people always call a pessimist and lack of faith. But then I know myself than others know me, and I know that I'm not that pessimistic and I know I still have faith in me. It's just that, what others see as easy and simple, I find it hard and difficult. I'm not saying this in an asking for sympathy tone, but it is true.

I hold unto the words of my school counselor :

"What you find easy may be difficult for others, and what you find difficult may be easy for others. So live life with compassion and ease others. Surely your struggles will also be eased."

Week 6 of my university life, and I've been struggling every day with motivation. A huge part of me wants to stop, cry and just quit, but there is also still a part of me that still wants to continue and strive harder. A huge part of me is excited that I am a psychology student after years struggling, but there is also a part of me that criticizes myself that I am unfit to be in this field. A huge part of me just wants to run away from here, disappear and not come back, but there is also still a part of me that wants to stay and try to go on. I am in a battle with myself. A constant battle.

So, what is keeping me here?

Because there is still a part of me that wants to continue. It may be small, but I want to still hold it tight. I want to live until my dream comes true. But what is my dream? I've been pondering about it for quite some time now. I used to dream to become a psychologist, but now I need a reason why.

This little part of me that still wants to continue is what I choose to hold, instead the huge part of me giving up. This tiny self-survival instinct is what's keeping me strong and still moving. Though it feels painful and feigned, I am still walking. I want to continue walking. Crawling if I have to, as long as I am still moving. I don't want to stop just yet, to be honest. I do, but I don't want that option. I want to move forward. I really want to move forward.

People might find it weird if I ever say that I want to quit. People will always find that I am joking whenever I say stuff like that, and I don't blame them. We all have our own persona that we show others, and I have mine. I find it nice that people don't believe that I want to quit, for it gives me the impression that people trust me enough to know that I am capable of surviving this storm, this tsunami, this earthquake, this constant battle. And so, I have another reason to keep on living.

We all have struggles. I believe that.

I might find other people's struggles as petty, and so might others when they know of mine.

But I still want to believe that I can do it. I still want to believe that I am capable. I still want to believe that I am for the Ummah. I still want to believe that I can achieve the self-actualization that everyone desires. I still want to believe that I can become a psychologist.

I still want to believe in life.

I still want to believe in the sun.

I still want to believe...

Even when my heart and mind refuses...

I just still want to believe...